a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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