do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
