I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
