I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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