My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
