Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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