Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
