I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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