Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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