have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
