Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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