Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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