After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
