Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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