lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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