I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
