Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
