I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
