what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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