So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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