i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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