He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize