I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
