My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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