she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize