dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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