I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
