Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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