That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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