So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize