dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
