haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
