Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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