your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
