I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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