made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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