no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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