john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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