my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
