im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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