I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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