Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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