I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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