im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
