shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need a beard to bite.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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