Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
