tonight lets celebrate not being married
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
