3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
