Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize