I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize