mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
