You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
