i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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