Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
