you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This house was built for laser tag.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
