whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
