Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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